A couple of days before Fergus died, I started taking pictures for what I thought would be a funny post… something about breakfast, lunch and dinner, and how the Boyz thrive on routine.
Breakfast: July 13, 2011; 6:29 a.m.
Lunch: July 13; 11:51 a.m.
Dinner: July 13; 6:18 p.m.
For a couple of days, I documented each meal with a picture and noted the time. My plan was to continue for a week or so.
Breakfast: July 14; 6:09 a.m.
Lunch: July 14; 12:37 p.m.
Dinner: July 14; 5:46 p.m.
Little did I know at the time, this was the last picture I’d ever take of Fergus. You see, he was perfectly fine.
But, life goes on.
Last evening. July 20; 5:27 p.m.
It’s still very quiet here, and I continue to fight the urge to check on the Boyz every five minutes, night and day. For me, sleeping is hard… there’s a constant need to know they’re okay.
Our love for Nigel has increased a thousand fold and we’re spending as much time with him as we can.
Because Bernard and Ellsworth often pair off, Nigel has spent a lot of time with Patrick the last few days.
It warmed my heart to see Nigel and Ellsworth playing together on Tuesday evening… and, importantly, the Boyz have been good about helping Nigel check for alligators in the water tub. To this day, Nigel will not drink from the water tub by himself. (If Fergus drank, Nigel drank. If Fergus peed, Nigel peed. If Fergus pooped, Nigel pooped. You get the idea.)
Patrick seems the least phased by Fergus’s death. Bernard is returning to his normal goober self.
Ellsworth is taking Fergus’s death the hardest. He’s quiet and not himself. Don and Danni agree that as the herd leader, Ellsworth is very serious about keeping a watchful eye on all his “peeps.” To have one leave – suddenly and confusingly as Fergus did, is more than a little baffling to him. He’s getting extra hugs these days too.
July 21, 2011 at 4:57 am
I have four cats. You’d think that’s a lot. But when one dies, it’s the screaming emptiness he leaves behind, all his usual spots where he is NOT that are the hardest to bear. I fully relate to the loudness of the last picture, the feeling of “THIS PICTURE IS NOT RIGHT!”
I does get better eventually. And I worry about Worth, for our own pain we can handle but the pain of our children and our animals!!!! Hold on tight everybody. Still much love coming from here… XXXXXXXX
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July 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Sigrid,
We feel the love. Thank you. XXXXX
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July 21, 2011 at 5:09 am
Glad to hear that Ellsworth and Patrick are filling the void with Nigel that Fergus left behind.
And now i’m feeling sorry for Ellsworth too!
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July 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Mel,
I gave Ellsworth a hug for you today.
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July 21, 2011 at 6:28 am
Ugh…my mind’s eye keeps wanting to find a fifth burro between Ellsworth and Patrick in that picture. Interesting about Ellsworth’s reaction. And you…I’m surprised you haven’t spent a night in the barn. Or have you? It might be comforting to be so close to the Boyz for so long.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:27 pm
Flartus,
We haven’t spent the night in the barn, but we have spent a lot of time sitting in the corral with the Boyz. A lot.
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July 21, 2011 at 6:32 am
I’m so glad you have Patrick — three can be a hard number when it breaks down to two and one (as it so often does, she said, speaking as someone with two siblings…). Also glad that the other boyz are helping Nigel drink, etc.
It seemed so clear to me, from the most recent pics of you riding Ellsworth, that he thinks about his responsibilities — I am not at all surprised that he may be feeling that he somehow didn’t do his herd-protection job. I can imagine that he feels somewhat (at least) the way you and Don feel. “What happened, and why didn’t I know, so I could stop it!?”
I know just what you mean about that void. So odd how our brains work. One part knows they are gone, and other parts are still looking for them. My Buzz couldn’t do steps for a long time before he died. I would find myself thinking “I’ve been upstairs a long time! I better go get him and bring him up! … Oh. Right. He’s gone.”
Hugs.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Vicki,
We are so glad we have Patrick too.
Thank you for the hugs.
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July 21, 2011 at 6:46 am
I was compelled to find Fergus in each photo before I scrolled to the next. He made it easy for me with his fashion-forward tail.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:45 pm
Carson,
That was always a sure-fire way for me to pick him out… that tail.
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July 21, 2011 at 6:59 am
I just don’t know what to say… so sad..
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July 21, 2011 at 9:43 pm
Nancy,
Hugs.
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July 21, 2011 at 7:02 am
I think about your boys every time I look at mine because I can’t imagine the trauma for them if they lost their brudder. I’m sure Ellsworth senses your sadness too. Maybe a nice trail ride soon? It could help you both to spend some time away from the corral. Hugs to all of you.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:28 pm
Denise,
Sounds like a good idea. I think we’ll at least get Ellsworth out for a walk this weekend.
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July 21, 2011 at 7:17 am
Aw…in the last photo they still left a space for him to belly up to the trough with them, just in case he came home hungry.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm
C,
No words… xo
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July 21, 2011 at 7:38 am
Justina,
So beautiful photos!
My heart aches for you.
It’s so comforting that you have so many photos of Fergus and his friends…
I also have many photos and videos of Flora and it comfort us, isn’t?
Many hugs.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:29 pm
Sonia,
Yes. Yes, it does. Many hugs to you too.
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July 21, 2011 at 7:39 am
I’m not surprised that Ellsworth is taking this so hard. Herd leders do take their responsibility seriously and losing a member is difficult for them. Glad the boys are helping Nigel with the alligators. That last photo has a big empty hole in it. 😦
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July 21, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Rosanne,
The boys are remarkable and wonderful, aren’t they? Please give Russell a ginormous hug from us.
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July 21, 2011 at 7:43 am
Oh, I wish I was there to give Ellsworth some extra lovin’. And to give you a hug. It will take time to get over this for all of us.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:41 pm
Cathy,
We received your beautiful card today. Oh, thank you so much. xo
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July 21, 2011 at 8:23 am
Ellesworth is a special boy, I hope he can help to fill the hole in your heart. Sending loves and skritches to Nigel, and hugs to all the boyz. Bit especially hugs to you and Don, for I know firsthand how much we grieve at the loss of an equine friend.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Shirley,
I delivered your love and skritches to Nigel and hugs to the boyz. Thank you, Shirley. xo
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July 21, 2011 at 8:44 am
Such a loving post. You warm my heart.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Suzanne,
Thank you.
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July 21, 2011 at 8:51 am
I hate platitudes….but Fergus is not gone, he is just not seen now. He will always and forever be in your hearts and ours. And Fergus will always be there with Da Boyz, otherwise they wouldn’t be reminded to watch for alligators for Nigel. He is now an angel donkey, fluttering about with an eye out for all of you and your herds “alligators”.
Smooches and squeezes, from all of us at Casa de Cuckoo.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Linda,
Smooches and squeezes back to all of you at Casa de Cuckoo.
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July 21, 2011 at 8:53 am
Has there been braying yet? Please tell us when that normalcy returns.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:31 pm
Anne,
Bernard is working on returning us to normalcy. He let out a big, big bray at lunchtime today.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:00 am
My heart and soul ache for you and the boys. Yours is a strong family and everyone will pull together to see each other through. The empty seat at the table will always be there and, in time, the sharp edges of your loss will soften.
I wonder if it was the other way around…Nigel playing Ellsworth.
Sending so much love your way.
Carolynn
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July 21, 2011 at 9:31 pm
Carolynn,
We feel it. Thank you, dear friend.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:47 am
One day at a time. It will get better Justina, I promise.
Suzanne
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July 21, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Suzanne,
One day at a time. Thank you.
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July 21, 2011 at 11:00 am
I did the exact same thing as Carson.
Man, I loved that tail.
♥
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July 21, 2011 at 9:34 pm
Danni,
Us too. ♥
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July 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Justina, my heart is hurting for you. Know that I’ll be praying for you. Love and hugs from Alabama.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Jeanie,
Thank you so much.
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July 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm
That spot at the trough isn’t empty; it represents the space that’s full of beautiful memories of your boy, Fergus.
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July 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Lauri,
I meant what I said today. Thank you.
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July 21, 2011 at 11:28 pm
It’s late, I’m tired and want to go to bed, so didn’t read all the comments as I usually do. I’m sure someone else already commented on this, but I was humbled by the last picture where the boys left a space at the dinner tub for the spirit of Fergus.
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July 22, 2011 at 5:00 am
Fergus is missed and leaves a big hole. He is still the funny fellow in my mind.
Good to read that lunch was announced by braying and the alligator in the tub is kept in check.
Is Patrick startled by his own reflections on the water?
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